What do you call a crocodile that is also a detective? 3. Light blue. They have the same middle name. It was compiled by Laura Frustaci. 12. 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes Im not much of a boxer, but Ill wrestle you for it. He disappeared without a tres. Refusing to go to the gym is a form of resistance training. The clerk replies Its a freebie.. This punchline is not available in your country. Nows when you ask: wheres the punchline? Couldn't organise a blow-job in a brothel. All I did was take a day off. By Jill Gleeson Updated: Jul 27, 2022 Laughter is infectious. Me: *looks at horse through window* he looks fine? I went to a seafood disco last week, but ended up pulling a mussel. "Hey, put that. Take a look at these funny tombstones that really exist. I heard there were a bunch of break-ins over at the car park. A brick layer . 101. A book just fell on my head. Enter these funny one-liners. 59. There were lots of knights. I used to build stairs for a living. So I saw a joke on here about 2 Irish guys with their friend and the punchline is something like the dead guy being with the two arseholes. The COVID-19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society. 4. Im reading a book about anti-gravity. Quit stalking me! Bad jokes can be short, corny, punny, and deliver some of the best one-liners ever. From witty one-liners that require some humor to good one-liners to share with kids, these hilarious jokes will make any conversation more lively. It was in tents. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself, This changes everything.. Why was the caribou wearing a disguise? You cant run through a camp site. 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes 31. I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. MadisonPearGarden 5 days ago. 6. Scroll to laugh (reluctantly)! 43. Done! I threw a boomerang a couple years ago; I know live in constant fear. My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo. Trying to write with a broken pencil is pointless. 91. To be frank, Id have to change my name. 39. If I punch myself in the face and it hurts, am I strong or weak. 9. Low-flying airplane noises! Hes never gonna give you Up. Pictures From History / Pictures From History/Universal Images Group via Getty Images. He drank his coffee before it was cool. First, lets make sure hes dead. There is a silence, then a shot is heard. 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling The bartender says "If you want punch, you'll have to wait in line like everyone else." 49. Theyre little guilty pleasures we indulge in with giddy enthusiasm every chance we get. 33. A dirty joke is a joke that is usually considered inappropriate because of its indecent punchline. Me: Did you hear about the French lesbian who went back home to France? Not only was it terrible, but it was also terrible. Just burned 2,000 calories. The man begins to walk out when the bartender stops him. He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the bouncer says, "I can't let you in here with that dog." He replies, "Oh, I'm blind and this is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer says, "Ok then, come on in." The second guy sees this and does the same thing. I always have the temptation to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight. The punchline is trivial and has been left as an exercise for the reader. "That means a lot.". Most people are shocked when they find out how bad an electrician I am. And, of more recent coinage, for our Iraqui readers: Couldn't organise a hanging on a gallows. I found a rock which measured 1760 yards in length. But now I'm clean. 8. Nothing, but it let out a little wine. An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are staying in a hotel. 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips His funeral will be held on Thursday at 2pm. Sometimes the best bad jokes are the shortest. I wonder how it was made up. The thing I like the most about this place is that there is no punchline. Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician. We bet you are. 46. This site uses cookies to personalize ads and to analyse web traffic, for more info please review our Privacy Policy. So we got some punch and left. What day of the week are chickens afraid of? It would probably be a lot funnier if there was a punch line. OK, I'm ready to hear the TCP joke that will last 10 seconds, has two characters, does not have a setting and will end with a punchline. * * * * *. A man enters a pun contest in his local newspaper. and American when you come out, what are you in the bathroom? Are you ready to hear a TCP joke? Well, yeah, the guy replies there was no punchline. 20 grammar jokes every word nerd will appreciate, 21 more anti-jokes you cant help but laugh at, groan-worthy dad jokes youll still laugh at. I got fired from my job at the bank today. Check out these 20 food jokes anyone will find funny. Set a man on fire and hell be warm for the rest of his life. The man who invented knock-knock jokes should get a no bell prize. 19! Curious, he walks over and looks through a hole in the fence. Never discuss infinity with a mathematician, they can go on about it forever. When you dissect it, it dies. All jokes aside, I am so grateful for you" I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke. 67. I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off. One liner tags: fighting, political. 78. 50 of the best lines from Peep Show 76. Things got a little tense. I got fired from the candle factory because I refused to work wick ends! Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? I failed math so many times at school, I cant even count. He held his character because hes a professional. Get it? The bartender says, Hey! 53. 69. A mathematician sees three people go into a building. To cover their butt quacks. I got the fried chicken slider as well as the burger slider. Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke? "Yes, we arson.". Vet: *cleaning his glasses* he's a fucking loser Dave. 83. 12 quickly called 3 to find out what the root of 7's attack on 9. they finally take the italian into the room, but as much as they . My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. Dont miss these 20 grammar jokes every word nerd will appreciate. 47. They have no money, so the bartender makes a deal with them: My girlfriend said, You act like a detective too much. My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is. No, hes my biological dog. SOMEONE PUT A PICKLE IN MY GLASS OF HAWAIIAN PUNCH. Theme Song Shorts Season 1 Season 2 Season 3 Season 4 Season 5 Season 6 Spin-offs Films Books Miscellaneous Pranks: Have you heard about the new restaurant called Karma? Theres no menuyou get what you deserve. They were cooked in Greece. Try these political jokes on for size at your next family holidaytheyre guaranteed to get you a laugh. the bartender asks, "what can I get you?" 23. One asks the others, How do you drive this thing?. Couldn't pour piss out of a boot if you wrote the instructions on the heel. 17 of Ken Dodds most ingeniously funny jokes Candygram4Mongo: A travelling salesman drove past a farm one day and noticed a pig with one wooden leg. Here are 25 Disney jokes thatll get you a good laugh, for the moovie fans out there. 62. 29. How do you fix a cracked pumpkin? There is no punchline. Remains to be seen. 16. How did the time traveler tell his jokes? What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it? Now thats a dad joke if we ever heard one. 3 spies, a french one, a british one, and an italian one, are captured by al-qaeda. Why do ducks have feathers? What do you call a very rude bird? 49. Why cant you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? What do you call a sad bird? Are people born with photographic memories, or does it take time to develop? I would make jokes about the sea, but theyre too deep. Because then itd be a foot. 2021 Associated Newspapers Limited. A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. You boil the hell out of it. And you're not alone in your search for them, either. A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it. 57. What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? 38. Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, What kind of music do you like? The other says, Im a big metal fan.. An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. I dont know why. A ghost walked into a bar and ordered a shot of vodka. The doctor says I have a premature hehejaculation. You can explore punchline comedy reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Pollen is what happens when flowers cant keep it in their plants. Nyeow!. If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard. As he died, he kept insisting for us to be positive, but its hard without him. Allen: A certain alleged violinist should hold his head in shame. Here are 15 simple (and silly) April Fools jokes to play on your kids. A weasel walks into a bar and the bartender says, Wow, Ive never seen a weasel before. This cringey joke sounds like a threat! One liner tags: fighting, life, sarcastic. #NationalTellAJokeDay, Have you heard the news about corduroy pillows? 61. A polygon. 50. 6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down. 89. What does a nosy pepper do? I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is Goodbye.. No witty punchline or anything like that. "Lord," he prays, "I can't stand this. "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?" Even the cake was in tiers. Because they can't keep a straight face. 35. One says, How do you drive this thing?. The leek! It makes cows go crazy and then they die. The second cow replies, Good thing Im a helicopter.. America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote. The punchline? Hey, you cant leave that lyin there! The bartender yells out. There wasn't any soup noodles. Spoiled milk. Your upvote is very important to us, please be assured that we will make the punchline available to you as soon as possible. 15. 25. Cellar-y! A garbage truck. She answered the stapler. A plateau is the highest form of flattery. My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. It was a real shindig. What did O say to Q? The doctor told his patient to stop using a cotton bud, but it just went in one ear and out the other. They were identifying their friends body I believe. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got amputated? The bartender said, Sorry, we dont serve spirits here.. Pepper makes them sneeze. Something for everyone interested in hair, makeup, style, and body positivity. That would be a big step forward." "Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?" "In case they get a hole in one!" "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. I'm not sure if this is the sub for it. 2. January Nelson is a writer, editor, and dreamer. 29. When I told him, he pointed out that I really had failed to organise a piss-up in a brewery. One turned to the other and said, Wow, its pretty hot in here. The other one shouted, Wow, a talking muffin! For more laughs, check out these travel cartoons that find the funny in everything. Im reading a book about anti-gravity. HAAANNNNND EYEEEEEEE. A cant opener! 52. 18. It was Tense, Two satellite dishes met on a roof. You're so sweet, you put Hershey's out of business. There was one dog. Just got fired from my job as a set designer. But Cats can. Theyre normally around 90 degrees. Science lovers will science-love these physics jokes! ", So I was at a party and no one was getting punch. You might not believe me, but I saw it with my own eyes. I hear that the punch served at that party over there is really good, go get me some, and your drinks are free. His wife asked me if I could say a quick word. 15. Sorry, not sorry (but really, sorry). He didn't think much of it until a week later, driving by the same farm, the pig had two wooden legs. Nothing. 56. They fear that social distancing measures could push people over the edge. Light travels faster than sound, which is the reason that some people appear bright before you hear them speak. If you thought this was funny, youll love our other cow jokes! 32. After hearing it, I thought it had all the ingredients of a great joke: child abuse; incestual rape, tears, poverty and suffering; but I didn't understand the punchline. A courtroom artist was arrested today. Why cant boy ghost have babies? I told them, "Just you wait!". After that, he went downhill fast. Here are the funniest jokes told by 23 U.S. presidents. 49 of Monty Pythons funniest jokes He wanted to remain anonymoose. Because crocodooladoo is a good family name. Act now and for just $49.99 you too can experience the intensity and originality of this punchline! I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work. Vet: your horse is lame. What did the father tomato say to the baby tomato while on a family walk? Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? He replied, Anna1, Anna2. I alway thought he was just a theoretical physicist. Change must come from within. What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? SNOW JOKE Cheeky fans make the same joke as Elle Brooke braves the cold in tiny bikini. Because they take up too mushroom! And hey, it's healthy to be able to laugh about it after the fact. Then it's a soap opera." "What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in . An group of archaeologists gathered to find the leg bone of an ancient man. It's really time consuming. 48. Ha Ha Ha101 Corny Jokes That Are So Bad Theyre Actually Funny Good, We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer), daily life cartoons that will crack you up, funny work cartoons will help you get through the week, 25 clever jokes thatll make you sound smart, travel cartoons that find the funny in everything, 21 scurvy pirate jokes ye should tell the rest o ye crew, 9 jokes that are proven funny by research, 40 comedians reveal their favorite jokes ever, 15 funniest Oscar jokes for you right here, We rated virtual assistants senses of humor, 25 Disney jokes thatll get you a good laugh, funniest jokes told by 23 U.S. presidents, why did the chicken cross the road? jokes, Do Not Sell or Share My Personal Information. It was an emotional wedding. We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Enjoy! I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldnt hack it, so they gave me the axe. Just burned 2,000 calories. I have absolutely no idea so if anyone can think of a punchline for this please help me. Pumpkin pi! Please pay 20,000 credits to unlock], Someone asked me the other day why I don't tell many jokes, [Unlock the punchline now for just 7.99! I use a spoon. Below, you'll find a list. Whats the difference between ignorance and apathy? This joke would be funny with a punchline, wouldn't it? "Ouch." The magic of anti-jokes is that you're expecting a clever or punny punch line, but instead, the punch line is as anti-climactic and literal as possible. Something about $10 a month How can you be sure that a comedian has traveled back in time? He goes to rent a limo. May 11, 2022 Funny One Liners Nothing gets a good laugh better than a well-placed one-linerand we could all use a little laughter during trying times. He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends. Instant classic. All ten people are lined up at the soup table. What do you get when you cross a chicken with a cement mixer? A book fell on my head the other day. Its a girl and weighs 7 pounds, 12 ounces. Why are ghosts terrible liars? I said maybe 221 Followers. A Buddhist monk is walking through New York and sees a hot dog cart, he walks up and the vendor asks him what he wants. 31. I thought its sell-by date was tomorrow. I told my friend dis cause we had a cus match and she said: "Yo momma so fat when she steps on the scales my phone number comes up" I said "Yo momma so fat that when she steps on scales it says to be continued." They got married. 22. I couldnt quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually, it came back to me. Because if it had four, it would be chicken sedan. Whether they make you genuinely laugh at how funny they are, or you crack up at how corny they are, either way, they are fun for the whole family. 6. John 12:49: For I did not speak of my own accord.. "Thank you," his wife said as I sat back down. Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I'm looking for a third joke with a punchline that appears to be, but isn't, feces related. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. L'Chaim. Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coluoring. Me: She missed her native tongue. Gdy wali lini, wskakiwa do tego z dwoma . A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. Which vegetable might you find in your basement? 57. Katherine 2 years ago. 34. Why do fungi have to pay double bus fares? 1/27/2023. 98. That means a lot., 9. The structure of a standard joke offers a clear illustration of these principles. This page is a comprehensive list of Luan Loud's puns, pranks and jokes, sorted by episodes from the Shorts, Season 1, Season 2, Season 3, Season 4, Season 5, and Season 6 . Or should that be worst? The patron stops and looks around only to reply, "I don't see a punchline", Forgetting to grab your shopping bag at the grocery store counter.spiceless. That way, if they ever do find her, I'll be able to afford a fu**ing good lawyer. 9. All it was doing was collecting dust. 21. 1936. Bless them. Here are 17 classic light bulb jokes thatll make you sound smart. After 6 months I feel much better. Why did the rooster go to KFC? They were a small medium at large. Then it hit me. But her aim is steadily improving. What kind of math do Snowy Owls like? Things got a little tense. Did you know diarrhea is hereditary? My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I left without making a scene. Check out these daily life cartoons that will crack you up. The guy lied. With a pumpkin patch! My father used to tell a joke, that involved the guy talking to a priest or therapist, and he is worried about a reoccurring dream that involves him having sex with a chicken (can't remember who was doing what with who). Whats the best thing about Switzerland? 11 years old and he still doesnt know my name is Brian. The 20 most nonsensical quotes from the W1A team Think youre funnier than the president? It runs through your jeans. 11. They said, Thank you. Isaid, Dont mention it.. 2. A guy will search for a golf ball. 50 of Frankie Boyles funniest (and darkest) jokes Theyre both purple except for the rabbit. Maybe mother's really never slept with the mailmen and the jokes were misleading. 4. Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes 2. 95. Actually, its more of a rap. Shout out to all the people wondering what the opposite of in is. The punchline is trivial and is left as an exercise to the reader. 12. I was going to share a vegetable joke but its corny. Im excited to see how they turn out. 81. Here are more of the funniest why did the chicken cross the road? jokes for you to memorize. So I had to put my foot down. A: No, I don't think they'll fit me. Will glass coffins be a success? 65. He couldn't understand and couldn't believe that Chu Yunfan's cultivation had reached such a tyrannical level at such a young age. A statistics professor and a math professor worked together on a cookbook. I found out she was seeing someone on the side. Well, to be Frank with you, Id have to change my name. The doctor replies, "OK. Touch your elbow.". One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter. In this day and age with less and less being aimed towards family viewing, you can always count on a good dad joke for family fun. So the friend asks the genie for, "a million bucks.". He said, Uno, dos and he disappeared without a trace. Leeks! Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. This joke is very cuties. A Freudian slip is when you mean one thing and mean your mother. The writers put in a joke (almost always a pun), but never make or put in a Punch Line or explicit statement, hiding it in the set up of the joke. 80. I call my horse Mayo. But 3 promised to get to the root cause. That was the joke. I met the man who invented the windowsill. 50 Edinburgh Fringe one-liners that deserved to win Funniest Joke The nurse asked what the rabbit's blood type was, and the rabbit replied, "I'm probably a Type O.". 3. If a parsley farmer gets sued, can they garnish his wages? It ends with the teller blowing a ripped up napkin all over the table. I got a new pair of gloves today, but theyre both lefts, which on the one hand is great, but on the other, its just not right. 27. OK, I'm about to send the TCP joke. I once had a teacher with a lazy eye. Two fish are in a tank. 64. Back on the phone, the guy says OK, now what?, 8. #NationalTellAJokeDay What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? Here are more groan-worthy dad jokes youll still laugh at. They're great for separating independent Clauses. What if there were no hypothetical questions? Below, youll find a list of our funniest jokes that just so happen to pack groan-worthy punchlines. Pun: Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? VOTE Mother Nature Joke: I think Mother Nature really hates you because you remind her so much of all her mistakes! People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves. Why did Adele cross the road? If You Punch Yourself and It Hurts, Are You Weak or Are You Strong? A student at prom was thirsty for some fruit punch, so he asked his friend, "where's the punch line?". - George Watsky, and steps behind two other guys. Steak jokes are a rare medium well done. Im a helicopter.. Either way, theyre truly punderful. 19. Hes walking bow legged, because he has a steering wheel chained between his knees. OK, I'll tell you a TCP joke. What do you call a parrot that flew away? What do you call a fake noodle? I dont trust staircases. Russian dolls are so full of themselves. I dont know, but the flag is a big plus. I said, No, wait! The bouncer says, "You can't come in here with a dog." One-Liners Longer Boating Jokes The Fisherman The Collision The Skipper The Preacher Lunch The Bass Boat The Old Sea Captain The American Fisherman One-Liners What do you do with a sick boat? 99. 50 of Jimmy Carrs funniest jokes and one-liners I was at a climbing center the other day, but someone had stolen all the grips from the wall. 85. How do you turn soup into gold? 86. Theyre always up to something. I had a joke about a grizzly in my car but i always forget the punch line .. Debris was everywhere. Nothing, but it let out a little wine. That's right we rounded up the most ridiculously stupid jokes that the internet had to offer, thanks to Reddit and Twitter. Ive got a phobia of over-engineered buildings. ', Liverpool plan to be ruthless in 'biggest rebuild for a generation', Tom Sizemore, star of Saving Private Ryan, dies aged 61 after brain aneurysm, Do not sell or share my personal information. Check out some of the jokes our colleagues have shared with us over the years - from one-liners to knock-knock jokes and more! Chinese takeaway 27.50. It will be a low key funeral. Pun: Every calendar's days are numbered. One draws a line in the dirt and says to the other man, "If you cross this line i will punch you!" 24. 22. When you land a punch line, jump on it with two feet. A termite walks into a bar and asks: Wheres the bar tender?. 44. What do you call a magician who lost their magic? Which vegetable did Noah leave off the ark? 73. Hes a small arms dealer. ones a crusty bus station and ones a busty crustacean. The future, the present, and the past walk into a bar. #NationalTellAJokeDay, What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? With an itheberg. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought, this changes everything. 11. How do you make a net? I used to think I was indecisive. Those who thought they knew what the punchline would be, and those who are now searching for the original joke. This is objectively funny, like these 9 jokes that are proven funny by research. Because then it'd be a foot! There was nothing left but de Brie. Shame on you for wanting a punchline. Graveyard humor is as old as humor or graveyards. I call it insta-gram. The line at the florist is really long but he eventually gets the flowers. Because theyre dead. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. The doctor says Im OK, but I feel like Ive dyed a little inside. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. I had a job tying sausages together, but I couldnt make ends meet. They don't want to risk him perceiving the "punchline" as a threat! for every time I asked myself this question. you should get them in a couple of days. Hes a ledge. If you laugh at these dark jokes, youre probably a genius. The world champion tongue twister got arrested. You want to go down to the bar to hear that band called Duvet? The girl asks, "Why not?" Theyre making headlines! 45. Oops! If biology is more your thing, check out these biology jokes that really cell themselves. 1. Those of you who have teens can tell them clean punchline ha ha dad jokes. People dont like having to bend over to get their drinks. Founded in 2010, Thought Catalog is owned and operated by The Thought & Expression Company, Inc. For over a decade, we've been at the bleeding edge of media, pioneering an infrastructure for creatives to flourish both artistically and financially. How do you know when you're a bad comedian? ! In ancient Rome, where emperors were deified after death, the emperor Vespasian (9 to 79 A.D.) expired with the words, "Dear me, I think I am . A told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment. Arlington, TX. Explanation: Gathering dust (and other dirt) is a vacuum cleaner's sole purpose. Ive decided to sell my Hoover it was just collecting dust. 26. A guy was admitted to hospital with eight plastic horses in his stomach. Pants. My husband used to beat me on regular basis. For drizzle. "Hey," yells to disappointed golfer. That was the punchline. Do you own a doghouse? So why wouldn't we embrace any chance we have to giggle at a joke? Hes only got little legs. If you dont pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed? There are no divorce courts at the North Pole, so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon. I found the food line and the coffee line, but I just want some punch. 5 Funny Gambling Jokes. 93. Thanks for explaining the word many to me, it means a lot. I bought the worlds worst thesaurus yesterday. Dont interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle. To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket you can hide but you cant run. 24. It means a lot. I had to put my foot down. Why do you never see pigs hiding in trees? These insanely stupid jokes from Ask Reddit will give you belly laughs. Its a complex complex complex. Because the "P" is silent. Thought that was good? Grump-pea! Otherwise, your student loans might reduce you to tears. 20! 71. Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? He always fears the Wurst. Phillipe Floppe. I once saw a woman punch a Mall Santa in the face. What do we want? Cat hiss ridiculous. I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it. 17. How dairy. Looking for a laugh? But I just can't throw the old one away. Could fuck up a two car funeral.

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